When contacting a DNA match, it is best to identify an objective. What are you hoping to learn from them? That should guide your message. Regardless of your match's goals, explaining your aim clearly and concisely will increase their chance of replying to you. Below, we have included some tips to help you be successful in communicating with your DNA matches.
Here is a sample message you could send:
Hello, (their name). My name is (your name), and according to our DNA results, it looks like we are (insert relationship). I am messaging you because I am researching (insert the family's last name, the person's full name, etc.), and I was hoping that you would have (state your objective here: pictures?, knowledge?, documents?) of/about them. You can message me or email me at (insert your email). Thank you!
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Notice that in the above message, we made it as easy for the recipient as possible. We clearly state who we are and how we are related to the recipient. Always state your relationship (to the best of your knowledge), and do not assume that they know how to read DNA and can figure out that relationship themselves. We also let them know what research or project we are working on and gave them a clear direction of what we hoped to gain from our interaction with them. Even if you want to ask them one thousand questions about twenty different ancestors, it is best to message them with one initial request. Lastly, we have let them know they can reach us however they are comfortable, either by remaining on the DNA company’s website or via email. Frequently, email can be easier, especially if your matches do not log on to Ancestry often.
Sometimes DNA matches do not message back because they have been asked to contribute too much. Let’s face it, who wants to call an absolute stranger they met on the internet with too many questions and no clear objective? You are successfully starting a conversation by sending a concise message and clearly stating your objective. You can make further requests once you begin conversing with this DNA match. Starting simple, however, is the best way to get the conversation going.
Be ready to contribute!
If you message a DNA match and make a request about a common relative, be prepared to share what you know. Do not assume that they already have the information that you have. If you have access to photos, voice recordings, videos, handwritten letters, or other precious objects and mementos - offer to send copies or photos of them! Do not assume your DNA match is aware of what you can contribute.
For example: I (Olivia) was messaging one of my grandfather’s DNA-matched cousins and asking questions about one of our deceased relatives. During this conversation, I was able to offer pictures of a handwritten letter written by this common relative I had in my possession. This caused the conversation to become mutually beneficial. Remember, genealogy is collaborative. The entire genealogical community benefits when we share what we know.
Another example: I (Ariel) asked one of my cousins to share his DNA with me for an ongoing project on one of my second great-grandfathers. I let him know what I knew so far, and I keep him updated as I learn more.
Don’t get discouraged
So you’ve messaged your matches, and that one match you were hoping to hear from does not respond. Don’t get discouraged! Sometimes people miss messages on Ancestry, or they don’t log in very often. You can find other ways to contact them, such as finding them on Facebook. Another way to get a hold of them is through public information websites such as Whitepages, Spokeo, and Familytreenow, which give potential addresses, email addresses, and phone numbers for people. So if you need to get a hold of someone, you may want to look for them on one of those websites and try reaching out with a letter, email, or phone call. Remember to identify yourself and why you are contacting them.
Take no for an answer and carefully share information:
If you are trying to get a hold of someone, and you’ve followed our sample script, and stated your intentions and objectives, and they are not interested in supplying you with information, you need to respect their decision. Everyone feels a different level of comfort in sharing information about themselves and their family, especially with someone they have never met in person and that’s okay! Likewise, when someone asks you to share information about your family’s history, please do so carefully. It’s always a good rule of thumb to keep the names and locations of living people “private” unless you have permission to share their information. If you are uncomfortable giving someone further identifying information, you can give states or counties as your general location when asked.
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